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… Or hamburguesa in Spanish.

I’ve been deathly sick for the past.. Oh, I don’t know, 2 weeks.. So I was going to post this earlier. But it’s hard to be motivated from a friggin’ hospital bed when your kidneys almost exploded.





From my experience, I’m going to give you some tips and suggestions about cooking the meat, what type to get, the condiments, etc… Picture by picture.

First: When buying the meat, shoot for an 80/20 lean-to-fat ratio. You can adjust according to your needs, however; I used 85/15 because I wanted a little less artery-clogging deliciousness (I’m trying to eat healthy).


Second: Put however much meat you think you’ll use in a bowl (each patty should be about a half an inch thick and 5 in. across.. So.. Figure it out). This is the part where you get to mix in spices with your hannndsss. It feels like.. fibrous, greasy play doh. Of course you don’t have to use your hands if you don’t want to. This is where gloves come in! Anyway, just mix it with some salt and pepper. And anything else you want to throw in for flavor, like garlic powder, cayenne pepper, oregano, parmesan, cheddar cubes (like Burger King! Except not disgusting.)

This is what I used.


Third: Cooking the meat. I heated a pan with a LITTLE BIT of oil to prevent it from sticking. Only use a little bit because the burger will shrink and cook itself in its own juices. And there will be a lot of juices. Throw the patty in there, cover it, and sear it on high heat for a couple minutes to lock in the flavor. Then lower the heat to medium level and continue to cook for another couple minutes, flipping it once. Keep it covered with something unless you want grease everywhere. It doesn’t take long at all to cook. To test the readiness, press down on top with a fork. If it bleeds red, cook it a little more. Test it every couple minutes.

See the juices? There’s a lot. And yes, I admit I overcooked mine a little bit.


Fourth: Assembling the Krabby Patty. (Haha.. Spongebob). I like to use slightly toasted Kaiser rolls for my burger, but you can literally use anything you want. You don’t even need buns if you’re on that awful Atkins diet. Or if you’re allergic to bread. As for the condiments, the list is literally endless. You can throw jelly beans on that thing if you’re so inclined. As for me, I went classic (note in the first picture how much the patty shrunk):

Cheddar.. Ketchup..

Mustard.. Romaine.. (Yeah that’s a smiley face.. So what?)

Red Onion.. Tomato. I should’ve added another; they were tiiiiiny.


I made burgers again the next day and I chopped up some colby-jack cubes into the meat, which saved me from ┬áhaving to deal with shredded cheddar falling out if it wasn’t melted (it’s all I had)! If I were to make this again, I’d put homemade guacamole on it. Or a fried egg. I’ve heard of somebody putting a pineapple slice on theirs. I love burgers because, even though they aren’t the healthiest things ever, they’re totally customizable.